


Finally Healing

by Starlight1395



Series: Light in the Dark [4]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Self Confidence Issues, Self Harm, graphic descriptions of self harm, not all members appear technically, time skip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 13:42:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14521809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395
Summary: Lee Chan, the youngest member of Seventeen, was going to snap if one more person called him cute. He worked just as hard as the others, but no matter what he did he was only ever seen as a child - as the baby.The frustration kept building and building until he thought his blood was going to boil, and he tuned to his favorite method of stopping himself from exploding.





	Finally Healing

“Oh Channie?” Jeonghan’s voice called from across the dressing room. Chan’s stomach dropped when he saw the singer approaching him with a shit eating grin and a go pro.

“Hyung, no,” Chan got up to run but was trapped by the older member’s arms. “Seriously…”

“Chan, whose baby are you?” Jeonghan asked innocently, his face seeming angelic but his eyes spelling trouble.

“Hyung, we talked about this-” Chan tried to struggle, not wanting Jeonghan’s camera to catch something unpleasant.

“Come on Channie~” Jeonghan sung, his smile widening as he repositioned the camera. “Whose baby are you?”

“Yours…” Chan closed his eyes and waited for the next part.

“Till when?” Jeonghan’s smile was quite literally audible. Chan just sighed.

“Till I’m thirty.” He whispered, all fight left in him gone. Jeonghan gave him a tight hug before going off to trick another member into embarrassing themselves on his Vlive.

Chan sat back in his chair and let the makeup artists remove the rest of his foundation. They had finished yet another concert and the maknae was ready to sleep for five years – minimum.

“Why do you look like you ate a whole lemon?” Seokmin asked as he hopped into the empty chair next to him. Chan cracked an eye open but didn’t return the older singer’s smile.

“Jeonghan hyung made me do the baby thing again.” He said, his voice apathetic. Seokmin cringed, knowing how much the youngest hated doing that. Jeonghan seemed to be the only one who didn’t realize it, honestly.

“Ya, I’m sorry Channie,” He said, shaking his head a little. Chan’s eye twitched a little at the nickname, but he decided not to comment on it. “At least now we can go home and rest, right? This tour has been killer.”

“As much as I love performing, I’m going to love sleeping in more.” Chan finally cracked a lopsided smirk and Seokmin cackled loudly.

“For a kid, you’re pretty relatable.” He laughed, covering his mouth. Chan’s good mood instantly vanished again, leaving him with a faint bitter burn in his chest.

“Don’t you have to return your costume?” He said coldly. Seokmin blinked at the youngest’s sudden mood change but stood and went to meet with the costume department. Chan closed his eyes again and focused on the promise of a soft bed in just a few hours.

* * *

  
“Aww, Channie is so cute when he first wakes up.” Jun cooed as the youngest shuffled from his room to the kitchen. Chan’s good mood instantly plummeted and he had to take a deep breath to prevent himself from lobbing the water bottle in his hand at his hyung’s head.

“Ya, Chan isn’t a baby anymore,” Seungcheol chimed in and Chan never wanted to hug his leader more. “He may be our youngest but he’s maturing faster than any of you brats did.”

“Hey! I resent that!” Seungkwan walked in, wearing a large pink sweatshirt and pajama pants with little ducks printed on them.

“Thanks hyung.” Chan said quietly as he slipped from the room. Seungcheol barely had the chance to shoot the youngest a questioning look before Chan was out of sight.

Chan was steaming. He wasn’t a child anymore, and it was infuriating how everyone refused to treat him like an adult. He was able to drink. He released a solo song and a music video to go with it. Hell, he’s one of the best in the Who choreography. But still, he’s the baby. He’s so cute and precious and small. Chan was sick of it.

The frustration coursing through his veins was enough to make him tear up. He had made a promise with himself not to cry in front of the other members. Crying would just solidify this idea that Chan was forever a child. He snarled and threw the half empty water bottle against his bed. The bottle bounced harmlessly on the covers and Chan felt no better after the sudden lash.

He went to the one place he knew he would be understood. He made a beeline for Jihoon’s studio. Chan had a feeling that the producer was either asleep on the small couch they managed to squeeze in for him, for when he spends all night working, or already hunched over his laptop with several notebooks open around him. Chan knocked twice before pushing the door open and letting himself in.

The latter most option turned out to be reality. Jihoon looked up from one of his many notebooks with a frown that ironed itself out when he saw who interrupted his work.

Without a word, Jihoon closed the notebook and gestured for Chan to sit on the couch.

“What did they say this time?” He asked gently, letting the taller boy curl into his side. Chan blinked back tears again. He was so frustrated – with everyone for treating him like a child, and for himself for still getting that worked up over it.

“Jun hyung made a comment about how cute I am when I first wake up,” He spat out the word ‘cute’ like a curse. “And he called me Channie again.”

“Junhui isn’t the best at picking up social cues,” Jihoon said with a faint chuckle. The corner of Chan’s mouth turned up faintly at the jab. “Something else happened though, right?”

“I just… I’m so frustrated,” Chan growled, tugging at his hair. “I hate it. I’ve worked just as hard as the rest of them… but they’ll never see me as anything other than a baby. No matter what I do, I’m always going to be a child to them.”

“You’re the youngest,” Jihoon said, letting Chan rest his head on his shoulder. “I guess it’s their paternal instincts kicking in or something.”

“They don’t have to act like my dad,” He spat back, feeling the bitterness in his chest bleed into his voice. “They need to act like my hyungs. Like my friends…”

“They are your friends Chan. They just… have a little more trouble showing it.”

“What can I do?” Chan finally let himself cry. He buried his face in Jihoon’s shirt. “What is it going to take for them to treat me normally?”

“I don’t know Chan,” Jihoon said sadly, rubbing the younger boy’s chest. “If I knew, I’d tell you but you know how they treat me half the time.”

“That’s the carats, not us.” Chan sniffled softly. Jihoon smiled at how eager the youngest was to defend him.

“I know, but it’s still irritating. I mean, I write the songs and am basically second in command when it comes to kicking your asses into gear, and yet all I get is ‘cute’ and ‘sweetheart’… so I understand how frustrating it is.”

“Thank you hyung,” Chan sat up and wiped his face, knowing his eyes were going to be red and puffy. “You’re the only one I can come to with this. No one else would understand… they’d just baby me even more.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I’m your hyung, and I want you to feel comfortable with me.” Jihoon said simply, trying to keep his words from taking on that paternal concern tone that the others so often used around Chan.

“But still… thank you.” Chan gave him a watery smile and Jihoon felt his heart break a little. Chan worked just as hard as everyone else, but he was still being treated the same as he was before they debuted, and that wasn’t fair to the youngest.

“Go take a nap,” Jihoon threw a blanket at him. “You’re eyes are red as hell.”

“But I just woke up.” Chan said with a confused look on his face.

“Then it should be easy to fall back to sleep,” The older idol said with a shrug. “I have work to do and I don’t want to be alone, but if you’re awake you’ll just distract me so go to sleep for a while. We both win that way.”

“Alright hyung.” Chan said with a smile as he curled up on the couch, pulling the blanket up over his head.

* * *

  
“Channie, where are you going?” Several voices called after him as he stormed away. Yet another fan signing had come and gone, and Chan thought he would be able to handle this one. He was wrong. He didn’t know what happened – if it was a full moon or if the planets aligned or if Virgo was in retrograde – but for some reason every single carat that went through the line wanted him to act cute, giving him flower crowns and ribbons to put in his hair. He played nicely for the signing, but as soon as the last fan had left they were ushered into two separate vans. When they got back, he made a beeline for his room, grabbing some pajamas and locking himself in the bathroom.

He didn’t care that he was low on the pecking order of showering. He felt like his blood was boiling and he needed a release. He heard Seungcheol and Jihoon saying something to the other members and the cacophony of protests quieted down. He hooked his phone up to the blue tooth speaker Hansol was smart enough to invest in and blasted something heavy with a strong bass. He started the shower and stripped before looking at himself in the mirror.

He wasn’t ugly. Not by a long shot. He had small eyes compared to some of the others, but his fans always complimented him on his eyes. His cheek bones were only sharper as he grew into them. He wasn’t ripped, like his friends Hyunwoo and Hoseok, but he wasn’t a stick. He had decent muscles along his whole body. He built a lot of it through dance alone, but had also recently started going to the gym with Mingyu and Hansol. He was actually pretty fond of the way he looked, normally.

Now, however, he was scrutinizing every detail. He scowled and picked a piece of pink confetti from his bangs. God, if only there was something physical he could do to make everyone see. He tried bulking up, losing weight, changing his hair and makeup, but nothing seemed to make a difference. He was still small, tiny, precious, cute, baby Channie and there was nothing he could do about it. He was helpless.

Chan snarled, hoping the music was enough to cover the sound. His skin was on fire from the frustration and rage that was boiling his blood. If he hadn’t been so bone tired, he would have gone to the gym to work of his anger but as it was it was already way past midnight and he was about to collapse there and then. He quickly remembered another way to stop the lava flowing through his veins and he smiled, the gesture scary and forced.

He dug through the cabinet under the sink and smirked when his fingers came in contact with fabric. He pulled the small pouch out from behind the pipes and shook it, letting the small metal blade fall onto his palm. It had been a while since he last cut. The last time was maybe five months ago, and the next day Jihoon had noticed the bandage peeking out from under the hem of his sleep shorts when the youngest was ranting to him. He sat Chan down and made him talk about it, which he was reluctant to do. Jihoon stayed on top of Chan after that, but after maybe three months things started getting busy again and the older idol hadn’t had the time to check in on the youngest.

He hesitated, wondering if he was really going to break his clean streak after making it so many months. He was about to put the blade back down again when the fan signing came back in his mind. The humiliation, the having to sit there and smile as if he didn’t want to rip his hair out, the coos and awws he heard from the carats, his members, the staff. That was enough to push him over the edge. Chan’s lip pulled back in a snarl and looked at his thigh.

The first cut wasn’t too deep. The blood barely beaded up before a second slice was added, then a third, and a fourth. It was almost like he could feel his angry and frustrations trickling out of his body along with the metallic crimson. His skin felt cooler as he made another line. His blood wasn’t boiling anymore. After he had lost count of how many lines were covering the fading scars, he was able to take a deep breath for the first time that night.

He cleaned the blade first, wiping the silver until it shined as the blood continued to run down his leg. He wiped the scarlet droplets off the tiles next, feeling wonderfully calm. This was what he missed, he realized with a small smile. He missed the light feeling he got after. The adrenaline and the high that came once he hit that point.

He stepped into the shower and didn’t hiss or even flinch as the scalding water washed away the red that was starting to dry on his skin. He quickly washed himself, taking a little extra time to watch the water turn brilliantly crimson. He thought it was poetic.

He turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, instantly grabbing some toilet paper to mop at the still bleeding cuts. While pressing the toilet paper to his leg, he quickly dried off the rest of his body and pulled out the communal first aid kit. With calm and skilled movements, he bandaged his leg and changed. He checked behind him one last time, wiping the single drop of blood off the floor and tossing the paper into the toilet. He flushed down the last of the evidence and left the bathroom, not a single speck of red left to give him away.

* * *

  
“Chan, can I talk to you for a second?” Seungcheol asked quietly. They had gotten a few days off that week, mainly to recover from the brutal dance practices and promotions they had been doing. The group as a whole had almost cried over the offer of not one, but five days and four nights all to themselves. Of course, Seungcheol had different plans. He had the rest of the members doing different chores around the dorms that had been lacking the past few months. Chan and Minghao had been chosen to vacuum the entire dorm, while the others dusted and polished and scrubbed.

“What’s up hyung?” Chan sat up, not expecting the leader to come into his room with such a serious expression on his face. Seungcheol hesitated before locking the door behind him and sitting on the edge of Chan’s bed. “Why did you lock the door?”

“Chan, I was cleaning the bathroom,” He started slowly. Chan felt his blood turn to ice as he realized what Seungcheol was implying. “And I found something… scary. I asked a few of the other members first, but none of them had any idea where it came from. I even asked Jihoon-ya. He didn’t say anything, but I could tell he recognized it at least.” He reached into his hoodie pocket and pulled out an all too familiar pouch. Chan stopped breathing.

“I don’t know what that is.” He said, his own voice sounding faint in his ears. Seungcheol just looked at him with large eyes, nothing being hidden in his expression.

“Chan, please be honest with me,” He sounded close to tears and Chan never felt so guilty. “Is this yours?”

“And what if it is?” He asked, trying to stop his voice from cracking. Seungcheol’s eyes grew glassier but offered the youngest a small smile.

“Then we’ll work through it together,” He said softly, putting the pouch to the side and taking both of Chan’s hands in his own. “Then we’ll work on it together and find a way to help you cope that’s safer and we’ll figure out how to make you happy again.”

“What… what if I don’t want to get better?” Chan’s voice was barely a whisper. “What if I don’t want to be happy? What if I just want to keep doing this to myself?”

“Can you tell me why?” Seungcheol didn’t try to pull Chan into a hug, as much as the oldest watned to. He knew after all this time together that the youngest needed his space, and that he would seek out comfort if he needed it.

“I just get so frustrated…” Tears stung Chan’s eyes but he didn’t want to cry in front of Seungcheol. “I get so fucking frustrated that I feel like my blood is boiling and I need to get it out of me before I explode.”

“What frustrates you?”

“Everyone.”

“Everyone?”

“I hate it… being treated like a child,” Chan couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. “You and J-jihoon hyung are the only ones who treat-treat me like an adult and it’s so frustrating because I’m not a baby anymore! I’m not! I’m not a child but everyone sees me as this infant they need to pamper and baby and it makes me feel so suffocated that the only way I can breathe is to rip my skin open and cry in the shower. The only way to make this… anger go away is to bleed it all out. I’m so, so sick of it hyung. Nothing I do is enough. I’m never enough, and I’ll never be anything but a baby to you.” He sobbed loudly, burying his face in Seungcheol’s shirt.

The leader had a feeling it had something to do with how the others treated him – he saw how Chan flinched away when anyone called him Channie or called him cute. He had a nagging in the back of his mind, but he never once considered that his precious maknae could have gotten so bad that he would turn to self-harm in order to cope with his anger. He felt like a failure of a hyung – a failure of a friend. He held Chan as he cried, wishing there was some way he could take all of the youngest’s pain into himself. He’d gladly live through whatever Chan was feeling if it meant the dancer would be pain free.

“I’m so sorry Chan,” he said softly once Chan calmed down a little. “Hyung should have noticed sooner. I should have been there for you… but you aren’t going to be alone anymore, do you hear me? You won’t have to go through this alone again.”

“I hate it so much…” He mumbled miserably.

“When was the last time you…?” Seungcheol didn’t know how to word the question. He didn’t want to upset the youngest any more than he already was.

“Last week,” Chan said, his voice weak and scared. “After the practice where Jeonghan hung made me dance to that Twice song… I was so embarrassed and- and he only asked me to do it. If the others had joined in it wouldn’t have been so bad but… I felt so called out. He was making fun of me because I’m a baby.” He started crying again and Seungcheol had never been more furious at his friend. He never knew Chan was so affected by Jeonghan’s playing around.

“It’s okay,” He said warmly, letting his fingers run through Chan’s hair in an attempt to calm the younger idol down. It seemed to work, which Cheol took as a good sign. “It’s okay Chan. We all love you so much, but sometimes that love comes across badly. We would never do anything to purposely hurt you, and I’m so, so sorry. We never meant to hurt you…”

“…s’not your fault hyung.” Chan said into Seungcheol’s shoulder.

“It is though. I noticed this sort of thing upset you. I did what I thought I could but if I had known it was this bad, I definitely would have stepped in sooner. I’m so sorry Chan.”

“I’m sorry for being so… weak.”

“You’re not weak. At all,” Seungcheol gently pushed Chan to sit upright and looked the youngest dead in the eye. “We’re going to overcome this. Together. Okay?”

“I guess…” Chan tried to look away, but Cheol reached up and took his cheeks in his hands, preventing the youngest from looking anywhere but the leader’s face.

“We’re going to make this right. I promise.” He said, the sincerity so obvious that it made Chan’s heart hurt a little.

“I believe you.” He said with a shadow of a smile. Seungcheol let his hands fall back onto his lap and his smile faded.

“This part is up to you,” He started slowly. “We can go out there and talk to everyone together, or I can go and tell the others so they aren’t pressing you for answers you might not be ready to give just yet.”

“The second.” Chan whispered suddenly feeling so, so tired. Seungcheol nodded and pressed a kiss to the youngest’s forehead.

“Try to rest some, okay? The bags under your eyes look painful. I’ll make sure to wake you before dinner.”

“Thank you hyung.” Chan said softly, just as Seungcheol was about to leave.

“No, thank you,” he smiled, tucking the pouch into his pocket and smiling at the youngest. He saw Chan’s confused look and smiled a little wider. “For trusting me with this. I know you could have easily lied and kept hiding this from us. So thank you for trusting me. I promise I won’t break that trust. I meant everything I said.”

Chan didn’t say anything. He just smiled through the tears that were now silently rolling down his cheeks. Seungcheol nodded and turned off the light for the youngest before going to the living room to call a band meeting, minus one.

* * *

  
“Channie, you did so well!” Seungkwan threw himself into Chan’s arms. Now, Chan didn’t mind the nickname as much. So much time had passed since the name made his skin crawl that it was almost like a dream.

“That’s our maknae,” Mingyu ruffled his hair affectionately, not caring that Chan was a sweaty mess from just performing his solo show in front of a sold out stadium. “Who would have thought we would be spending your twenty first birthday as your entourage?”

“You didn’t have to,” Chan grinned as his friends surrounded him. “I’m heading back to Korea tonight. I would have been home before noon.”

“Ya, what kind of hyungs do you take us for?” Soonyoung chided, gently smacking Chan on the back of the head. “Of course we’re going to be there to watch our youngest perform his first solo concert!”

“Thanks guys.” Chan suddenly felt choked up. It took months – years, if he was being honest – to accept the affection of his hyungs. After Seungcheol sat everyone down and explained what was happening, everyone instantly wanted to rush to Chan’s side and apologize. They really never meant to hurt their maknae. They just want to show him love the only way they knew how.

In the following months, there were several tearful band meetings and Chan had to quickly learn how to call out the other members if they said something that made him uncomfortable. In that time, Chan learned to take the affection positively rather than twisting the words in his head and taking it out on himself. It was a difficult process, and he would be lying if he said there weren’t times when he relapsed. Each time, however, someone was there to patch him up, make him some tea and stay with him until he wasn’t afraid of himself anymore.

“Now, we have six hours until our plane takes off,” Soonyoung said loudly, catching the attention of the other twelve boys. “I say we do something to celebrate our Channie’s birthday!”

“Ah, hyung you really don’t have to,” Chan blushed as he handed his mic to a staff member. “We were going to celebrate back home, remember?”

“Yes, but how often do we get to treat you to something after a show?” Soonyoung countered, and Chan had nothing to say to that. Sensing his win, Soonyoung cheered and picked Chan up, wrapping his arms around the younger idol’s waist and twirling him around.

Chan was still healing. He still felt the urge to stop the frustration by letting himself bleed. He still flinched when someone outside of the band said anything a little too cutesy. He still found himself seeking reassurance from his hyungs. He was still healing, and he was so proud of himself.

Chan was okay with healing.

**Author's Note:**

> So this was written in one go and not edited at all so I'm praying there isn't anything horrendously wrong with this chapter. I had the suggestion of doing a seventeen hurt-comfort fic, and this was the first thing I thought of. Chan is incredibly talented and handsome, but is still treated like a child by a lot of fans and babied by his members. I thought it made sense that he would fit into this prompt.  
> If anyone has any suggestions for hurt/comfort oneshots, let me know! 
> 
> Side note, I just realized I'm basically redoing my Love Yourself series, but with a different fandom lmao


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